"I will miss you"

There have been times dude. Maybe moments, sometimes hours, sometimes even days. At those points in my life, it felt like I would lose you for good. Not that anything would happen to either of us. It's just that I would have let you be taken away from me. No questions asked.

See, so many things need to happen to sustain a beautiful thing. So much suffering to be endured. So many painful words that hold the heart in a fist and do not let go for days and weeks, until the fist beats another heart to death, punching with all the hateful energy it accumulated over all the years. People need to overcome all that. And those same people need to compromise on their egos, even self-respect, over and over again, just so that a bunch of people can become a home and raise a family with love. And even then it doesn't work if hard luck hits.

But so many things indeed happened for us to be here and now, you and me, and all that goes on between and around us. And all that happened, despite my shortcomings, despite what we all are, to make these days of happiness a reality for us.

If I am now able to finish this note, it is only because I somehow consider myself to be a bigger guy than that guy who was willing to let go of his beautiful son because he was not able to deal with some shit. If I am presumptuous about this claim, then I’ll figure out soon enough. Let’s hope I don’t. Having said that, I am trying to finish this piece which I started when I was in that fucked-up state of mind.

Back then, I was not willing to finish and publish this stuff, because the guilt still got to me. I was not willing to see myself in the mirror, or on paper. I mean after all the fuck-ups that I delivered, to have the audacity to write on that situation or even to reflect upon it, while still trying to solve it, just seemed wrong. Did you ever see a junkie brag about his exploits? Also, I was going through a lazy phase, most of the past year. Or two.

Anyways, that guy who was not willing to write this page was an idiot. That guy who was willing to give you up was a confused mess of a human being. That is not me in the now. And so lets talk about the idiot, what was going on in and around him. Before I get cocky though, a tiny reminder that this version of myself was from less than six months back. More like three months back. I think I grew out of it, but that is not yet tested thoroughly, so touch-wood.

I can laugh about it now but back in the heat of those moments, it pretty much felt like fate. There was nothing I could’ve said or done, to really resolve the differences. Nothing I can really do to move the hearts away from conflict and towards a place of harmony. Not even a pretense of harmony. Not saying I was free of blame. But I can only play my part. And trust me I was sincere. I was always trying to resolve issues. People did warn me that my involvement usually had the opposite effect and actually escalated situations, but that is only half-right. And anyways, my intentions were pure enough if my actions were sometimes, well, confused.

But I just wanted people to realise the bigger picture that was so very obvious. True happiness. You know how winning a battle isn’t really worthwhile when it is the one you love who has to lose. Simple things like that. Turns out, it was not that simple.

I can take a beating or two you know. I can take many more for you. I can suffer and trust me, I didn't suffer more on anyone else's account. But sometimes - frankly, more times than you’d think reasonable - I came to feel that I couldn't take it anymore. That enough is fucking enough. You will never know the specifics and you might as well not. Not worth the pain and I’d rather not go through those memories again.

Anyways, it was clear as daylight, in those moments, that I can lose you if it comes to that rather than take one more moment of the fucking bullshit that goes on in contests of ego. Not one more moment. I'd rather lose it all than bend over to the damn madness that I have to endure, just because people think winning is more important than peace.

It was not your fault of course, you were just involved. You were just a gambling weight to be used against me. Or for me. Didn't matter. You didn't matter and that was not cool with me. I was not going to tolerate you being made a pawn in these cheap dramas. The fact that I have to take so much bullshit and disrespect because otherwise I’d lose you was not alright with me.

You should read The Fountainhead sometime. Sooner the better so that you can grow out of it. In that, Howard Roark at one point says, “I can die for you, but I cannot live for you”. He was saying that in response to being emotionally black-mailed by people he cared about. They were asking him to compromise his vision and passion because they wanted him to be safe. Something like that.

Not an exact anology but you get my point. I was not willing to tolerate the bullshit generated by clash of egos after a certain point, even at emotional gunpoint, especially at a gunpoint, even if that meant losing you. Even if that meant not seeing you grow up.

I've given it all my energies and endured as much as I could, but now the line was drawn and crossing it meant that I pull the trigger. That's how much I was pushed. Back against the wall, even a cat swings its paws in one last fit of rage.

But it was just those mad moments mind you, many a scuffles went by with much less of a mental strain, meaning that this was not a one-off. In fact, if a week went by without some sort of an ego clash and heated, spiteful arguments, it felt like a relief. The last drama was less than a month ago and I am already dreaming that this peace will be permanent. Just because I need it to be. The situation basically stinked as recently as monsoons, and we just celebrated my birthday.

Call me weak, lacking will power or just miserable. Or call me cold as some have called me before. I won't contest you, maybe I could’ve been more of a man. Maybe not. A friend once told me that it is not easy to self-analyse oneself. It is probably impossible. What does it matter, I was that guy and that is a fact. 

But it is also a fact that, back then as much as now, nothing else would hurt me more than the thought of not seeing the glow of your face. Not dancing with you again or running around chasing you or fighting with you on the bed. If I can visualize my life without you in it, the image will probably tear me apart for good. Those moments in which I was standing there, taking the stand to let you go, that was pure misery and the tears in my eyes were not enough to account for the pain I had to endure.

Anyways, those days, let us assume, are in the rear-view now. Let us just assume that and I will keep on my toes to ensure it remains so.

But, just imagine the freedom I'd have had if it did come to pass. I mean, not that I want it that way at all, and I would listen to a lot of doom and blues music than it would make sense. But then I'd also have  had a lot more time to actually sit down and listen, eh!